Have you ever gone through such a confusing period/year in your life that even if you were paid to redo it, you’d reject the offer? I know I would – the year 2018 has officially given me a reason to say that being an adult isn’t the fake sunshine and roses I thought it would be.
Consciously wishing to be an adult was an entertaining thing to do; the thought of being an “independent” woman was a very glossy one that I entertained every now and again whenever I wanted something from my parents and they’d refuse, or if they told me that I can do what I wanted with my own money, on my own time. The words “my own money” and “doing what I want” sounded like the life I was ready to sign up for, I was ready to live my best life!
When this year began, I jotted down my yearly goals and prayed on some of them. I tried by every means to make sure that they manifest ok I’m lying, I didn’t break that much of a sweat trying to make them come to fruition, and that is my own fault.
Planning everything under the sun and not moving a finger to implement those plans is a waste of one’s own time. The planning phase is smooth: you wake up with all these burning ideas of what kind of life you want to live; what projects or goals you want to achieve and how you’re going to approach all of these. Then the implementation phase arrives and you have no clue where to even start; now you sit there asking yourself “do I begin with the smallest plan because it seems like the easiest to achieve or do I dive in head first and go for one that’s big enough to make me clap for myself every day once I’ve achieved it?” After all, “small victories matter too,” right? RIGHT.
I started convincing myself that this was the year to “relax and let things flow as they should.” I mean it was only 4 months into the year so the illusion that I should relax and let things unravel by themselves made some sense for a while. The joke ended up being on me when that mentality I carried around led me into a state of panic and realized that I wasted my entire year by doing nothing. I introspect quite a lot, and from that, I determine whether or not I’ve reached my yearly target-which in most cases I do, but this year was different- it was confusing. The kind of confusion that makes you question the days of the week and why they’re so long. It has been undoubtedly difficult – emotionally, mentally and physically: it tested me more often than I thought it would.
I know I sound like a whiner right about now, however, I also believe that the L’s I took this year somewhat shaped me. There are some lessons that I’m still trying to figure out, and some that I’ve figured out but need to determine how I move forward from them. I’ve also come to realise and personally admit to how toxic I’ve been to myself and others during these tough times. That in my exhaustion others suffered and that was unfair. Losing my grandfather was the last hit of the year that I endured. I felt (still do) that he died with a piece of me. That the void he left won’t ever fill itself up no matter how hard I try and accept that he is gone. His death also showed me that I struggle to deal with pain: I bottled most of my feelings up to accommodate those around me, only for that bottle to burst open at a time I least expected.
My confusion stemmed mainly from the lack of control I had over my life this year. It was as if my ideas and motivation were not connecting at all. It sucked (still does). I was financially reckless – continuously finding myself “being broke” more than I wanted. I also found myself entertaining people who didn’t even deserve any of my time. I became a crutch for others and neglected myself. A roller coaster if you ask me. After realizing all this, I concluded that it was entirely my fault that some things panned out the way they did. I didn’t walk away when I needed to, I wasn’t financially savvy despite the mess I saw before me. I still didn’t communicate effectively with people even after I admitted that I’ve been a crappy person because the truth is that I definitely was a crappy person. But, BUT I’m trying to shed off some of these bad habits that I adopted, and I hope that I can or else I will self-destruct and I don’t want that.
This year has been confusing, but what I won’t do is continue beating myself up about it anymore – that doesn’t help me or anyone around me. I’m taking my L’s and refocusing, my potential hasn’t even been unlocked yet so everyone should just brace themselves.
Anyway, this was just me rambling, and if you’ve found yourself in a similar situation, I hope you come out of it stronger and wiser – WISER!!